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First thing in the morning I received the call from the surgeon saying Chloe was doing well and was comfortable. Today we would be allowed to come see her.

Upon ariving at the hospital I saw Chloe for the first time with her pressure banadage on. She is pretty Well medicated and in a nice run with blankets.

It a sight that is hard to witness and accept. It was real it actually happened and she was missing a part of her that was meant to be permanent.

The guilt of not being protective enough, not making sure the world was safe enough. The guilt of being selfish the guilt of making the wrong choice is thick and heavy weighing me down. From here on I have to live with the concept that I made the wrong choice and I should have had them attempt the repair so she could keep her leg. Even though I will never know it will always be on my mind that I made the wrong choice.

Meeting with the surgeon after she says that the bone was bad and she was certain that it would not have held up and the bone would never have healed. Even hearing this I don’t believe I made the right choice but that’s in me and my mind and my guilt.

I keep hearing the same thing about how dogs are all made with a extra leg and am constantly infuriated by this. She was born with 4 legs because she was supposed to have 4. If she was meant to be a 3 legged creature she would have been born with 3. She is 8 years old and I guarantee never once did she look down and say I only need three legs this one is extra.

Tommrow Chloe comes home in the evening.So I will head to work in the morning and leave early to go bring her home


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the hour has passed and a choice was made. Every vet that was involved all had the same input. Remove the limb. I had to swallow my emotion and tuck them down where I could hear them. I say the words even though it’s killing me inside “remove the limb”.

I made a choice that I would never have allowed anyone to make for me and went against my own personal views. When I was serving I made it know that if I was to be part of a incident where I lost a limb I was to be left alone. I would rather bleed out than continue on missing a part of myself. Selfishly I did something to my best freind I wouldn’t want to live with.

during the surgery it occurred to me I needed to call the vets office to convey that her limb was not to be sent to a school or donated to science or anything along those lines. If that was their plan they were wrong and I would be collecting the limb and bringing it home to bury. That is part of Chloe it is hers and no one was to defile part of her or what belonged to her.

After the surgery I received the call that Chloe did fine and the surgery went over well. I was assured the limb would only be touched by pathology then delt with respectfully and that the surgeon understood my concerns and agreed.

I wanted to be there with Chloe but the surgeon didn’t want anyone there directly after surgery to ensure everything stayed steril and Chloe was able to stabilize and start recovering.

First thing in the morning we arrived back the vet to meet with the ortho surgeon to see what can be done to repair the break.

this is the point when it is reviled to us that the break looks terrible and it is suspected the screws and a plate may not be a viable option because the bone looks very soft. So the fear is it will not hold up and heal over the recovery time that would be expected with the break and repair. The possibility of cancer is discussed and it seems all the staff are on the same page when it comes to reviewing the films.

it is at this time the words amputation are first spoken. The worst sentence I have ever heard. To me amputation is a death sentence. I refuse to let anyone take one of my limb and would die before one was removed from me. So how is that I make a choice about removing a limb from my little girl. She uses that paw that’s attached to that limb for everything. She holds her bones to chew on them she sits and pulls your hand into her so you touch her. It is a important part of her as is every little piece of her.

i have about a hour to make a choice. Remove the limb or try a risky repair that may not work and cause prolonged pain. I know the logical thing is have the limb removed to be safe. But how do you explain when she come to after where her leg went. Or how do I explain how I could let someone take her limb. All I can do is accept the blame for the mirror falling and for being selfish enough to take her limb permently and willfully disfiguring one of the most important beings in my world.

 

July 16th 2017 the break

July 19, 2017

At around 9:30pm after everyone had settled in for the evening the delivery guy arrived at the front door with the food order. Both Chloe and Winston went on the usual route of barking and carrying on at the front door.

I stepped out onto the porch to retrieve the order from the delivery guy. In between closeing the door and pulling out my wallet a loud crash happened followed a shrill scream of pain. I opened the door leaving my wallet on the porch to see what had happened. Chloe was on the floor by her mom and in notable pain and broken mirror lay on the floor by the door.

When we speak about Chloe in conjunction with pain it’s know to me that it has to be a extreme amount of pain to phase her. She is built like a brick shithouse and often seems impervious to pain. In 8 years she has only screamed in pain two times. This instance and few years earlier when she tore her acl.

fastforowed and we are in the car on the way to the emergency vet. The vet on staff takes x rays and confirms she had a break in humerous. The surgeon is sent a picture of the x ray and almost immediately ¬†she doesn’t like the look of the break.

Chloe is checked in and get a private run and pain medication to make her comfortable while we wait till morning for the surgeon.